Wir, beim physikBlog, sind uns ja für nichts zu schade.
Besonders bei Witzen kennen wir keine Scham. Sobald auch nur der Hauch eines Bezugs zu irgendeinem Nerd-Thema vorhanden ist — wir kringeln uns auf dem Boden wie eine Schleifenkorrektur.
Damit ihr, Deutschlands nerdigste Blogleser, auf der nächsten Party auch zum Edelgas des unlustigen Witzes gekrönt werdet, folgt jetzt die kleine physikBlog Witzeschule1. Viele Physikwitze, ein paar Restnaturwissenschaftenwitze.
Natürlich sind wir uns völlig darüber bewusst, dass der Großteil absolut grottenschlecht ist. Na und?
Packt eure grottenschlechten Physikwitze einfach in die Kommentare und wir müssen alle nie wieder darüber sprechen. Deal?
Teilchen, Quanten und so
A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs-Bosons in here.”. The Higgs-Boson says “But without me how can you have mass?”
A tachyon walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” The tachyon replies “You did tomorrow.”
To get to the other side. Why did the tachyon cross the road?
Tachyon. Who’s there? Knock, knock.
A Neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve neutrinos here!”, the Neutrino says “that okay, i was just passing through.”
Ten million neutrinos walk into a bar.
…one says “Ouch!”
An electron walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what’s up. The electron says “My wife just left me. She took the kids. I just want to die.” The Bartender then says: “Stop being so negative.”
Two atoms are walking down the sidewalk when they accidently bump into each other.
“I’m really sorry!” the first atom exclaims.”Are you all right?”
“Actually, no,” the second atom replies.”I lost an electron.”
“Oh, no! Are you sure?”
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
A neutrino walks into the bar and orders a scotch. When the drink arrives, he takes one sip and collapses in a drunken stupor. The neutron looks down on the neutrino, disdainfully, and says, “Lightweight!”
The barman is amazed when an electron, a positron, 3 neutrinos, 6 quarks, a proton and a neutron walk in.
“Where did you all come from?!” asks the barman.
“We just drove across town.” says one of the particles with a shrug.
“Drove?!” gasps the barman, “you must have a pretty big car!”
“Nah,” says the particle, “just the standard model.”
A quark walks into a bar and asks the barman for a large scotch.
After the barman has brought him his drink, the quark asks “Could you put a fish in that?”
“Did you say ‘fish’?!” asks the barman, astounded.
“Yeah. A herring if you’ve got one,” the quark adds, “but any fish will do.”
As the barman hunts under the bar for a tin of sardines, some anchovies or whatever he can’t help commenting, “I don’t think anyone has ever asked me for a fish in their scotch before.”
The quark shrugs, “I’m strange.”
Two protons walk into bar.
The first orders a double scotch, and the barman gives it to him and says, “That’ll be $2.50.”
After he’s paid, the second proton also asks for a double scotch, but this time the barman says “That’ll be $3.25!”
Immediately, a mob of angry physicists charge into the bar, drag the barman outside and give him a real, good kicking. Bloodied and bruised he crawls back into the bar and looks up at the protons.
“What the hell was that for?” he begs.
“You committed a charge-parity violation” the protons explain.
A group of electrons goes up to a bar. The first one asks the bartender for half a joule, and the bartender serves him. The next three electrons also ask for half a joule, and they are also served in turn. The fifth electron decides to be different, though, and asks the bartender for three-quarters of a joule.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that. The amount of joules you can have is restricted.”
“What a Bohr!” exclaims the electron in disgust.
Plank’s constant walks into a diner, and asks for a slice of pie.
“Sure.” says the waitress, “Would you like apple pie, or blueberry pie?”
“Apple.” says Plank’s constant, “No, blueberry! … No, no, definitely apple! … Or maybe blueberry? … Yeah, blueberry it is! … Um, no apple actually!”
This goes on for several minutes until eventually the waitress kicks him out into the street, adding, “And don’t come back.”
The speed of light, who just happened to be passing, helps Plank’s constant to its feet and asks, “What happened?”
“Well, I was divided by two pies,” he explains, “and now I’m barred!”
A room temperature super conductor walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve any super conductors in this bar”. The room temperature super conductor leaves without any resistance.
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And then doesn’t.
A virus walks into a bar. the bartender says “we don’t serve viruses in this bar”, the virus replaces the bartender and says “now we do.”
An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve infectious diseases in this bar” and the infectious disease says “well you’re not a good host.”
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium!
Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.